Why am I so harsh on myself and how to stop the cycle

Being harsh on yourself is often a survival mechanism designed to protect you from failure, but it usually ends up draining the very energy you need to succeed.

Key takeaways

• Self-criticism is frequently a learned behaviour used to pre-empt external judgement or failure.
• Your specific work personality significantly influences how your inner critic manifests and what triggers it.
• Shifting from a ‘fix-it’ mindset to a ‘recognition’ mindset is the first step toward sustainable self-compassion.
• Understanding your natural tendencies through tools like Hey Compono helps you work with your brain rather than against it.

Why your inner critic is so loud

You know that voice. The one that points out the typo in the email three seconds after you hit send. The one that replays a slightly awkward comment you made at lunch for the next four hours. If you’ve spent years thinking, “I’m just too harsh on myself,” you aren’t alone. Most of us carry an internal narrator that is far more vicious than any boss or partner would ever dare to be.

At Compono, we’ve spent a decade researching the intersection of personality and performance, and we’ve found that this internal harshness isn’t a character flaw – it’s often a misplaced tool for excellence. You likely started being hard on yourself because it worked. It pushed you to get the grades, land the job, or keep the peace. But eventually, the cost of that internal friction starts to outweigh the productivity it produces.

The struggle isn't that you're broken; it's that you're using a blunt instrument to try and perform surgery on your career and life. When you understand why that voice is there, you can start to turn the volume down. It begins with recognising that being harsh on yourself is a habit of thought, not a permanent state of being.

The link between your work personality and self-criticism

Not everyone is harsh on themselves in the same way. The flavour of your self-criticism is usually tied directly to your work personality. If you understand your dominant type, you can predict exactly when your inner critic is going to pipe up. For example, The Auditor might feel a crushing sense of failure over a minor data discrepancy, while The Campaigner might be incredibly harsh on themselves if they feel they haven't been influential or persuasive enough in a meeting.

Consider The Evaluator. Because they naturally value logic and objective results, their inner critic often sounds like a cold, analytical judge. They might tell themselves they are being "inefficient" or "illogical," leading to a cycle of over-analysis. On the other hand, The Helper might be harsh on themselves for not maintaining perfect team harmony, even when the conflict is outside of their control.

This is where Hey Compono comes in. By identifying your specific tendencies, the app helps you see these self-critical thoughts as symptoms of your personality's needs rather than absolute truths. When you realise that you're feeling harsh because your "Auditor" brain is just doing its job of looking for errors, it becomes much easier to say, "Thanks for the input, but we're moving on."

Moving from perfectionism to progress

Perfectionism is just self-criticism in a fancy suit. It tells you that if you just do everything perfectly, you’ll finally be safe from criticism. But the truth is that the more you try to be perfect, the more reasons you give yourself to be harsh. It’s a closed loop that leads to burnout and a total loss of creative spark.

To break this, you have to start valuing progress over polish. This is particularly difficult for The Coordinator, who thrives on structure and order. When a plan goes sideways, their first instinct is often to blame their own lack of foresight. Learning to accept that "done is better than perfect" is a radical act of self-kindness for anyone who feels they are constantly falling short of their own high standards.

We often see The Doer struggle here too. They are so focused on task completion that any delay feels like a personal failure. If you find yourself thinking "I should have finished this already," you are being harsh on yourself for being human. Real progress requires rest, and it requires the occasional mistake. Without those, you aren't a high performer – you're just a machine running toward a breakdown.

Building a toolkit for self-compassion

Self-compassion isn't about letting yourself off the hook or becoming lazy. It’s about giving yourself the same grace you’d give a mate. If a friend told you they made a mistake at work, you wouldn’t call them an idiot or tell them their career is over. You’d probably say, “That sucks, but you’ll fix it tomorrow.” Why don't you say that to yourself?

A great way to start is by externalising the critic. Give it a name. Recognise when it’s speaking. The Pioneer might find this easier, as they are naturally imaginative and can see different perspectives. When they feel that internal pressure to be "more innovative," they can step back and realise it's just their visionary nature pushing a bit too hard.

Using Hey Compono allows you to track these patterns over time. The app provides personality-adaptive coaching that meets you where you are. Instead of generic advice to "just be positive," it offers strategies tailored to how you actually think and work. It helps you build a more supportive internal dialogue by highlighting your natural strengths, so you have something to point to when the critic says you have none.

Key insights

• Being harsh on yourself is often a protective habit that has outlived its usefulness in your adult career.
• Self-criticism manifests differently across the eight work personality types, from over-analysing to over-committing.
• The goal is not to eliminate the inner critic entirely, but to change your relationship with it so it no longer drives your decisions.
• Tools that provide objective personality data help separate your identity from your self-critical thoughts.

Where to from here?

Stopping the cycle of being harsh on yourself doesn't happen overnight. It’s a practice of catching the thought, recognising the personality trigger, and choosing a different response. You’ve spent years building the habit of self-criticism; give yourself some time to build the habit of self-support.

Ready to understand the "why" behind your inner critic? Start by discovering your natural work preferences and how they shape your internal world. You aren't too much, and you aren't failing – you're just learning how to manage a complex brain.

• Get started: Start with 10 minutes free – no credit card required
• See how it works: Learn about personality-adaptive coaching
• Read more: Explore more insights on our blog

FAQs

Why am I so much harsher on myself than I am on other people?

This is common because you have 24/7 access to your own thoughts and insecurities, whereas you only see the external results of others. You judge yourself by your intentions and fears, but you judge others by their actions. Recognising this gap is the first step toward balance.

Does being harsh on myself actually help me perform better?

In the short term, the adrenaline from self-criticism can drive results. However, in the long term, it leads to chronic stress, reduced creativity, and higher rates of burnout. High performance is more sustainable when driven by interest and mastery rather than fear of self-judgement.

How can I tell the difference between healthy self-improvement and being too harsh?

Healthy self-improvement focuses on the task and the future (“How can I do this better next time?”). Being harsh on yourself focuses on the person and the past (“I am so stupid for doing that”). If the thought makes you feel empowered to change, it’s growth. If it makes you feel small and stuck, it’s the critic.

Can my personality type change so I’m less self-critical?

Your core work personality tends to be stable, but your behaviour and internal dialogue are highly adaptable. You don't need to change who you are; you just need to change how you talk to yourself about who you are. Understanding your type makes this process much faster.

What is the quickest way to stop a spiral of self-criticism?

Physical grounding and naming the feeling. Say out loud, “I am having a thought that I’m not good enough.” By adding the phrase “I am having a thought,” you create a tiny bit of space between yourself and the criticism, making it less overwhelming.